Safe in the arms of the NHS part 4

Just been for the return visit to the hearing aid clinic again today. The tweaks from two weeks ago totally cured the whistling and distortion, but unfortunately took away all the speech clarity at the same time. Everyone, myself included, has been sounding like Charlie Brown’s mwah-mwah-ing teacher. It makes a change from daleks, but is equally disturbing, especially in a crowded room. You know a hearing aid’s not working for you when the battery runs out and suddenly you can hear better.

John, today’s audiologist, was very helpful and very nice just like his predecessors. I explained how at the last appointment Terry had introduced me to 5mm of extra ear canal I hadn’t previously known was there, but that the tube wouldn’t stay put unless I adopted an unflattering and impractical clenched jaw at all times. John cheerfully produced a longer tube, et voila, the Norman Collier faulty microphone effect was gone. I wondered optimistically if chewing gum might even be back on the agenda. Then he set about doing some equally cheerful on-screen eradication of the mwah-mwah-ing as I did lots of  vague umming and aahing. It’s difficult to make a convincing qualitative judgement on your long range hearing in a tiny silent room, so I felt I wasn’t being particularly helpful. The whole process rather reminds me of an exercise we used to do with the students where one person has to describe an object whilst another attempts to draw from the description. It was very rare for the drawing to look anything like the object no matter how well the describer described or how well the drawer drew.

I was doing up my jacket and getting ready to depart when the casual chit-chat led to an unexpected bombshell being dropped. It seems I’m an unwitting impostor. According to John, I’m actually a Reverse Slope and not a Cookie Bite at all, at least in the superior left ear, the right one’s disappeared from the file (although the real one still comes in useful for holding my glasses up).

Sadly, The Reverse Slope Chronicles just doesn’t have quite the same ring, so I’ve decided to adopt the approach of the makers of the TAGGART tv series upon the death of its eponymous hero, Jim Taggart, and keep the original name regardless.

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3 Responses to “Safe in the arms of the NHS part 4”


  1. 1 not quite like beethoven March 24, 2010 at 9:36 am

    You know, you can never really leave the cookie bite club. It may seem that way to the uninitiated, though.


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