Things that go bump in the night

At 4:40am this morning, I was lying awake contemplating the dark recesses of my mind when there was a loud bang. The sound location part of my brain helpfully narrowed down its possible origin to two very specific places: 1. somewhere inside the house or 2. somewhere outside the house.

The spouse had been peacefully slumbering up till then, but perhaps reminded of the time when a similar noise in the middle of the night made him jump to the unusual conclusion that I had shot myself after an argument, he sat bolt upright in the manner of someone bursting out of a coma in a horror movie.

“What’s that noise?” he said, ” I heard it through the earplugs…someone’s breaking in.”

While I fumbled feverishly amongst the detritus on the bedside table for my glasses, the spouse was already making his way heroically to investigate. As I poked my head nervously out of the bedroom doorway, a fleeting reflection of a man’s silhouette in the hall mirror set my heart pounding until I realised that the spouse had headed for the kitchen, not the room next door as I had thought.

By the time I reached the kitchen, the lights were on and the spouse was scratching his head in puzzlement. All seemed to be in order. Then, as I averted my eyes from some unseemly goings-on in a flat across the lane, I spotted something under the kitchen table. It was a wine stopper which turned out to have blown itself out of a bottle of corked cava awaiting its return to the supermarket for a refund. Phew.

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