Go Ahead, Make My Day

I’ve lost my mojo. My lungs, which are normally silent and effortless in their operation, have been transformed into a pair of hideous crackling bellows by a cold, and a mysterious force has sapped me of all my energy.

As I wheezed my way home last night, feeling rotten, I passed along a dimly lit side street which runs alongside the ramp to a multi-storey car park. A shadowy figure, attired as if for attending a football match even though it was not a Saturday, was lurking in the darkness under the ramp. His accomplice melted into the gloom when he saw me coming.

“EXCUSE ME” bellowed the football fan as I approached.

Oh no, I thought, another gentleman who has lost his train fare and needs my urgent financial assistance in order to get back home. I decided to ignore him.

“EXCUSE ME” he bellowed even louder.

Oh god, if he spots the hearing aid he might come running up the street after me to tap me on the shoulder, I shuddered, in a moment of horror. I attempted to speed up but failed.

“EXCUUUUUUSE ME!” he bellowed again, clearly frustrated at encountering loads of people who couldn’t seem to hear him no matter how loud he shouted.

That was the end of the Mr Nice Guy approach.

“HAW YOU, YOU NEED YER FUCKIN EARS WASHED OOT, YA DEIF BASTARD” he shouted, in his loudest voice yet.

To my amazement and delight, there were a series of slick electronic noises from behind my left ear, as the hearing aid opened up James Bond style, to reveal a miniature rocket launcher. “Target engaged, select Programme 3 to launch” said a lovely calm computerised voice. “With pleasure”, I replied.


4 Responses to “Go Ahead, Make My Day”

  1. 1 kentigern January 14, 2011 at 7:15 am

    language young lady, funny you have the same name as my sister, perhaps we’re related?

    • 2 moiradancer January 14, 2011 at 1:38 pm

      Ah, yes, I remember you now, you’re the bloke with all the doppelgangers. Happy new year bruv, we must catch up before one of us dies, and it could be me if this cold doesn’t shift soon

  2. 3 kentigern January 16, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    help ma boab ye ur ma sis, tell that spanish la la wummen I wus asking after hur,

  3. 4 Pauline Rafferty January 17, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    Hi there Kentigern & happy new year! I hope all is going well. I like Moira’s story – but it’s a bit on the scary side! So are you going to see this film Neds that’s just come out? I fancy going to see it but I’m not sure I’ll understand it… Mme La Zarza xx

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