Mrs Potato Head

Until the other morning, my fabulous new fashion statement glasses had been languishing, unworn, in the back of the bathroom cabinet. Three unsuccessful visits to have them adjusted had made me start to wonder what fearful cranial asymmetry was causing them to sit consistently crooked on my head. I decided I’d better assess the situation myself, in order that I could return to the opticians for a fourth time, fully prepared.

Using my highly trained artist’s eye, I examined my noble, if slightly elongated, head in the mirror. I noted the large forehead, which a friend had insightfully pointed out as a sign of my intelligence, as he tried to get back into my good books after wrongly estimating my age as 50 plus. Next, the ears. I compared the size of the pinnae first, and noted with interest that there’s a big ear and a less big ear to match the big eye and the less big eye. It struck me for a brief moment that people with symmetrical features must get really bored with their appearance and that it must be really frightening for them to see their face reflected in a Christmas tree bauble for the first time. No such difficulty for me, but despite my charming facial idiosyncrasies, the points of attachment of the ears to the head just didn’t seem wonky enough to explain the quirky trapezoid relationship of my new glasses to my face. Hmmm. Time for some DIY adjustments.

First, I removed the hearing aid. Absolutely no difference. Then, I pushed the left leg of the glasses down hard on the big left ear to level them, but they popped straight back up again. Then I pushed the frames upwards on the other side but they slid straight back down again. After pointlessly repeating this several times, I gave up. It was now clear what was required: a built-up ear on the right hand side.

I tucked some hair behind the right ear to prop the glasses up, and wedged the hearing aid purposefully in place on the left. Satisfied that I could now appear in public without being mistaken for Eric Morecambe, I set off for the opticians to get some professional assistance.


2 Responses to “Mrs Potato Head”

  1. 1 cyborginafield January 24, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    I must say I feel there is a flaw in the world of specs as all the specs I have ever had or even the swanky ones I try on ALL sit wonky on my noggin! Surely there must be some slightly wonky specs made oot there for wonky headed people. Maybe this is the thing that keeps opticians in business?

    • 2 moiradancer January 24, 2011 at 10:22 pm

      Glad it’s not just me! In light of my apparently mis-shapen bonce, the lack of aftercare certainly put me off buying glasses on the internet, even for a fraction of the price.

      I’m looking forward to the day when we can all have our wonky heads scanned in a 3d scanner and have a nice pair of bespoke wonky specs made by an aesthetically aware robot working to 0.00005mm tolerances. This would replace the current system of a trainee fiddling away unsuccessfully with a hot air blower and a hacksaw after the receipt of every new pair of glasses…

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