Empire of the Biscuit

Boredom is a terrible thing. During a tedious afternoon stint at the computer the other day in the office, I realised that the solution to my lack of motivation was a cake. A mandarin Danish pastry, to be precise. I scrabbled together the required £1 in loose change and hot-tailed it to the refectory.

When I got there, the sight of a lone student sweeping the floor in semi-darkness told me that closing time had arrived. I made my way efficiently to the cake display and surveyed my options. The display was bare apart from the last black cherry Danish pastry and a couple of sad-looking Empire biscuits with holes in the icing where the jelly tots should be. Hmmm. Tough decision. I don’t like black cherries and the only bit of an Empire biscuit I like is the jelly tot on top.

“Excuse me”, said the student uncharacteristically audibly, as she swept her brush round my feet in a symbolic gesture aimed at speeding up my thought processes.

It worked. I decided that a black cherry Danish pastry was better than no Danish pastry at all, and I reached swiftly for a paper bag to put it in. My arm brushed the ‘PLEASE USE TONGS TO HANDLE CAKES’ notice and I decided to ignore it in a huge display of anti Health & Safety bravado.

“Excuse me”, said the sweeping student again, as a giant hairball interwoven with unidentified fragments of refectory detritus threatened to engulf my feet. I wondered briefly if the missing jelly tots were in there, before abandoning hope and turning my attention back to my Danish pastry. Another set of lights clicked off. Feeling a bit under scrutiny, I reckoned I’d better comply and use the tongs after all. I clamped them firmly to the pastry and ushered its sticky loveliness gently into the protective caress of the paper bag.

Quite how it managed to fall cherry side down in the pile of floor sweepings at my feet I’ll never know, but the unseen string attaching the cake tongs to the counter may have had something to do with it.

2 Responses to “Empire of the Biscuit”

  1. 1 cyborginafield February 17, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    oh holy moley you are funny! But I understand, its cake, it keeps use together. you sure gave me a belly laugh on a damp thursday evening! x

  2. 2 moiradancer February 17, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    At Last! Someone who understands how important cakes are to the smooth running of civilisation!

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