What’s In A Name

“I thought you were ignoring me there!” said a breathless colleague who had been chasing me up the street for a few hundred yards in the rain yesterday morning and shouting my name with no success.

“Ignoring you? Oh no, it’s just that I’m a bit, er…” I trailed off, distracted by the problem of how to share my tiny umbrella with a man who was a foot taller, without getting soaked or poking both his eyes out.

Once in the office, I ventured out to the studio to fill the kettle and heard someone say “Moira!”. I stopped in my tracks and looked round.

“Did someone say my name?” I asked, worried that  an urgent request for tutorial assistance might get in the way of my planned cup of tea. I was met with puzzled looks.

Over my cup of tea, I pondered the strange paradox of how I regularly respond to my name when no-one’s actually saying it, yet  fail to respond when somebody is. I imagined people describing me as that woman who ignores you all the time and hears voices. Better than the woman with the funny hair and hearing aid, but just as unflattering. I came to the inescapable conclusion that it must be my name that’s at fault. Moira. Too many vowels and no sibilant action going on. Cookie biters, like cats, need an ‘s’ in their name if they’re ever to recognise it being called out. Aha! The solution is to change my name to one which has a proven track record with cats.

With my new name, nobody will ever need to tap me on the shoulder and say “Hey, Sooty, I thought you were ignoring me there…”

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