Wedding Woes

I am going to a wedding in two weeks time, and the sartorial requirements of a special occasion are causing me a great amount of anxiety. My usual drab black clothes and bunion-friendly men’s hiking boots do not lend themselves to the celebratory nature of a wedding, so I was forced to venture to the shops today in search of a suitable alternative.

I decided to ease the trauma of the clothes shopping experience slightly, by doing a little bit of internet research first. I needed to find the best shape of dress to suit my womanly curves, so I did a search for “Flattering dress suggestions for mature woman with huge knockers, no waist and a prominent stomach”. To my delight, hundreds of lovely frocks came up. Since nearly all of them were on shapely size zero models with perfect little poached-egg bosoms and washboard stomachs, they were very flattering indeed, and I felt glad that I now knew what to look for.

Three hours later, if the shop assistant in the Debenhams changing room wondered what the strange grunting and ripping noises coming from cubicle No.3 were, or what the hastily retrieved beige projectile that skittered under the curtain was, she politely never let on.

I am now in happy possession of a suitably stretchy wedding outfit, and all I need to find now is some men’s high heeled shoes.

10 Responses to “Wedding Woes”

  1. 1 Liselotte November 20, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    Hi Moira,

    This shop is UK-based and has shoes in larger sizes.

    I can’t walk in heels, so I would personally use a pair of brogues and black tights to a dress. Brogues are much easier to find in men’s sizes than in my size, which is 40.

    And next time you need an advice for a dress, try me:-)


    • 2 moiradancer November 21, 2011 at 6:19 pm

      Thanks for that link Liselotte, I’m going to pass it on to my niece who has totally large feet and can’t get shoes to fit. Mine are an average UK 6.5 in length, but it’s the width that’s rapidly becoming the problem. On one foot only, just to complicate matters…the answer could be to steal single shoes from wide-fitting shoe shop displays 🙂

      I don’t know what idiot invented heels for women, I can’t walk in the damn things either, so I shall go with your highly sensible suggestion of flats. I am an absolute style disaster these days, so I shall have to take some more tips from your site, you have some very lovely things on there!

      • 3 Liselotte November 21, 2011 at 6:40 pm

        Thank you, Moira.

        You are always welcome to post a question – just do it to the latest post at the time. I am pretty good at finding stuff in web shops. I hate shopping, and changing rooms even more so. I never ever use them. I rather just buy and then take the stuff back, if it doesn’t fit. But as you I need clothes to go to work, just to avoid causing harm to sensitive people;-)

        I used to be a complete style disaster, but then I changed and now I pretty much shops like a man, good quality, grey and black, long lasting styles. Everything is possible to combine in the morning in a dark room. Sadly when I thought I had it nailed, I lost 13 kilos in 3 months from sticking to the right diet for my allergies, so lately I had to start over once more. Trousers do not fit, when you have to drape them under the belt.

        In Denmark most shops will only display the right shoe, so your idea sounds – to my danish ears – a bit risky if you plan to use the shoes for walking;-)

  2. 4 babs scott November 22, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    I sympathise with your shoe woes Moira, although I have small feet sized 3.5 – 4 UK, I hate wearing high heels as I feel totally gangly and weird in them. However, I am facing a similar predicament as I decided to buy myself a lovely pair of floaty palazzo pants (trousers to you and me!) from that well known designer store Matalan. The said troos are for the christmas do and are unfortunately very long so will need a pair of heels aargh!!. I am contemplating trying to shrink them to avoid wearing the aforementioned instruments of torture on my tootsies. Wish me luck!

    • 5 moiradancer November 23, 2011 at 7:31 am

      I have found that heels are not the only way to add length to the legs Babs, all you need are a pair of hiking boots and bulky NHS orthotics. Mine add about three inches to my already prodigious height, and have removed the need to take up the hem on a pair of trousers ever again! Not very glamorous, right enough…

  3. 6 maureen November 26, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Hi All,

    I have been re-entering the land of the living, just finished my previous post, letting you know about the latest op., when the door was banged.

    I recently did a bout of on-line shopping, and this was some of it arriving. Yesterday I had to sign in an electronic box. Today I was told to sign and print in two paper columns. I did this all wrong, and the delivery man said, ‘NO! Sign and print there and there!’. Mind you, the poor man was standing in a virtual hurricane – things have been wild on the weather front in Glasgow recently.

    This was for Christmas presents, but I am thinking of sending for some dresses and shoes also. I cannot wear high heels either, mostly due to likelihood of falling, and my feet are really fat, (along with the rest of me), due to the high dose steroids. Very little in my wardrobe fits me currently, so I am going to buy a couple of cheap longish dresses, thick tights, and some flat shoes.

    Best wishes,

    • 7 moiradancer November 26, 2011 at 4:37 pm

      Hi Maureen,

      been thinking of you this week, and glad to hear that the procedure is now behind you and that you’re back on track. Your surgeon sounds wonderful right enough, the fact that he’s so pragmatic and upbeat must be very reassuring when you’re in such uncertain territory, especially when you can’t physically ‘feel’ what’s going on with the pressure (thank goodness, mind you!). Just keep taking it easy and hopefully Monday’s visit will bring some good news.

      Things can only get better when, post-eye op, you open your front door during a hurricane and find a bad-tempered troll with paperwork and a pen on the doorstep…definitely the downside of internet shopping!

      Hope you’re nice and cosy in this hideous weather, the windows in our stately flat don’t half show their age when the wind blows!

      Take care, get plenty of rest, and good luck for Monday.

  4. 8 maureen November 28, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    Hi Moira,

    Many thanks for that, I am grateful for your good wishes, and excellent advice.

    The clinic visit yielded some good results, in that the pressure has gone down, although the measurement has to be continually repeated, especially since the particular surgical procedure involved is essentially ‘re-doable’.

    The systemic and topical medication had to be ‘re-jigged’, in order to keep ahead of the complex nature of the autoimmune response.

    The surgeons at the ophthalmology department are indeed truly wonderful.

    As I said to the young medical student who sat in on my case, (while the doctors were discussing the best way forward), medicine is so often as much of an art as a science.

    I hope that all is well with you!

    Best regards,


    • 9 moiradancer November 29, 2011 at 12:48 pm

      Really really pleased to hear that the procedure has done its job so far Maureen, hope that the re-jigged meds keep up the good work in stabilising the pressure and that you’ve had a bit of a boost from getting some better news for a change. It must be so stressful going to those appointments and not knowing what the outcome is going to be each time, you’re an absolute marvel!

      I think that continuity of care is so important for establishing best treatment and for patient wellbeing, particularly where there are a whole series of complex issues interacting. Your medical student was lucky to be sitting in on both an ace team AND a very special patient 🙂

      Best wishes on a rainy old day!

  5. 10 maureen November 30, 2011 at 9:03 am

    Hi Moira,

    Many thanks! Things will just take time.

    Best wishes,


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