Tails Of Woe

BatteryBot admires the sleek contours of the new Oticon Spirit Zests and gets to grips with their unfamiliar snap-on tubes, while the Easter Bunny has a go at selecting the right size domes.

“What’s the matter with you now?” said the spouse, as a heavy black cloud descended on the settee.

“I knew these tubes were too short”, I whined, “and I need tails…look! the domes have come right out of my ears. I’ve tried all the spares and they’re all too short…the sound keeps cutting out. What use is that?” I gurned for a bit, then waggled my jaw ferociously from side to side like a demented sheep to prove my point.

The spouse ignored this seductive display of wifely attractiveness, recognising it as the familiar aftermath of a hearing aid appointment. He was going to have to brace himself in order to make a masculine practical suggestion.

“You’ll have to go back, then”, he said. “Why don’t you phone clinic O in the morning.”

“I can’t…they’ll go mad…they thought they’d seen the back of me by giving me all those different domes and tubes. If I phone up less than 24 hours later, they’ll have me down as an awkward customer…I’ve probably used up their entire budget already…oh god.”

After a sleepless night of mental preparation, I phoned clinic O and was back in the soundproof room by lunchtime.

“What can we do for you today?” said the latest member of the audiology team to be assigned to my seemingly never-ending case.

I did another highly unattractive display of jaw waggling, and threw in some eyebrow raising for good measure. I then completed my new party trick by popping the domes right out of my lugholes with a simulated yawn.

“Hmmmm…I think you need a longer tube”, said the hearing aid lady, probably thinking I was suffering from some sort of complex neurological disorder after witnessing my facial gymnastics. “Let’s try the next size up.” I saw a pair of scissors come out, and this reminded me to ask her not to cut the tails off the new tubes. Snip. Too late.

I decided not to push my luck by asking for the tails to be re-instated, and said thank you instead. I wandered off down the corridor enjoying the now continuous soundscape of clinic O, and waggling my jaw with impunity.

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6 Responses to “Tails Of Woe”


  1. 1 Sabine June 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    Oooh, those are the aids I’m wearing for my cookie bite! I like them a lot and have pretty much no problems with them (minus one re-adjustment) ever since I got them last fall. Granted, they are my first aids, so I don’t have anything to compare them with, but I have gotten so used to them and their sound that I sometimes forget I have them in at all. No Daleks. =)

    They also have them in a pretty array of about 10 colors from metallic blue to baby pink to brown etc. Looks like you got the standard color, I managed to get a sleek metallic black pair. They will do their hardest to tell you they don’t have any of the other colors, but a lady had shown me the color array on my first visit and let me pick one that they then ordered in – it seems they usually do that for children.

    I really hope these do work out for you – they seem to be the smallest and the technically newest option the NHS has available. =)

    • 2 moiradancer June 19, 2012 at 6:14 pm

      Thanks for that Sabine, that’s really good to know, and I’m pleased everything’s worked out well for you with your first aids. I’m really delighted with the sound quality of these so far, and I feel pretty lucky that the senior audiologist went out of her way to help me out by going off-contract. They’re night and day compared with what I had before, and they work a treat for my digital piano playing, which is really exciting.

      Good to know you managed to get a colour, too. Fortunately, I actually quite like the shimmery default colour (matches my one and only eyeshadow!) and these feel positively glamorous style-wise, which is nice, even for the woman in the men’s hiking boots 😉

      Annoyingly, the students are all gone for the summer so I can’t give the Oticons the ultimate acid test in the studio till September, but I’m pretty sure so far that these are the ones for me 🙂

  2. 3 Carl June 19, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Yippee the Oticon’s finally! I am in love with them and as I can see my conversion … i mean convincing has worked hehe. Next step molds! 😉

    • 4 moiradancer June 19, 2012 at 10:33 pm

      We are finally Oticon twins across the Atlantic, Carl! I’m very lucky to get these, thanks to the senior audiologist being incredibly helpful and professional in what must be very a tricky system to negotiate. I’m amazed at the sound so far, and having two aids really does make a huge difference, I can’t thank you enough for converting, er, convincing me to take the plunge!

  3. 5 kentigern June 20, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    greetings from the Unusual Suspect. Delightful to sup with you and Mr Spouse at The book launch party last week. Interesting company he keeps :-))). Leave you to weightier matters, must catch up soon…..Luv big bruv

    • 6 moiradancer June 21, 2012 at 11:25 am

      Ah bruv, ’twas a grand night out, indeed. Somebody else will have to write a book now so that we can have another one. Failing that, I may resurrect the clan gathering chez nous, if I can get my act together sometime soon…


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