Guilty, M’lud

“Oh no”, said the spouse, “there’s a letter here from Glasgow Sheriff Court…don’t say you’ve been called for jury duty again? Twice in one year is bad enough, but three times? That’s unfortunate.”

“Don’t worry”, I said, excitedly, ” I sent them a letter about their hearing loop. It took me ages to write, I put my heart and soul into it…that’ll be their reply.

I made myself a nice cup of tea and settled down to open the letter, noting that it was a bit thin. Hmm. No compensatory free front row tickets for the public gallery at Court No 7, or gilt-edged invitation to see the ceremonial flicking of the ‘ON’ switch on the induction loop system for me, then.

I started reading.

‘Dear Sir/Madam,’ began the letter. I noted the personal touch. ‘Your comments and ratings are appreciated and helpful in particular where you highlight the hearing loop issues, perceived lack of training…’

Perceived lack of training? interjected my inner Rumpole of the Bailey, perceived?

I cast my mind back to the clerk of court saying that she wasn’t sure how to operate the loop system. The lack of training had seemed very real to me at the time, but I had to concede that if one now analysed the situation from a phenomenological point of view, then I had indeed perceived the lack of training, in the same way that I had perceived the courthouse, the clerk, the lack of a loop signal, and everything else since I’d got out of bed on that October morning. It certainly was real to me, but I had no way of proving that it was real to anybody else, and with the insertion of the word ‘perceived’ the Sheriffdom was making it clear that it wasn’t necessarily real to them.

I read on. I still had another three lines to go.

‘…perceived lack of training, door closers and public announcements. All of the foregoing will prove invaluable in our attempts to improve service to all court users and be taken forward in early course. I do hope that on any future visit you can see an improvement in these areas.’

“Future visit? Future visit?” I screeched, “If there is a future visit I’ll be sitting on the other side of the dock. Still, at least I’ll be able to hear the indictment next time.”

All of a sudden, I was transported to my new and improved future visit to Glasgow Sheriff Court.

“All stand”, said the clerk.

The Sheriff entered solemnly and took his seat. This time, the door closed silently behind him instead of banging shut. The packed courtroom was hushed apart from an intermittent high pitched whistling noise coming from the front row of the public gallery. A few feet away, the prisoner in the dock was fiddling with her ears.

“Moira Dancer,” began the Sheriff gravely, “I charge that on the fourteenth day of November two thousand and thirteen, at or about 8:45pm, you did blow a gasket upon reading the reply to your complaint letter from the Estates and Administration Department of the Sheriffdom of Glasgow and, after removing both hearing aids in a calculated manner, committed a breach of the peace in the kitchen of a tenement flat in the south side of Glasgow. How do you plead?”

“Guilty as sin, M’lud,” I answered, “although, in my defence, I perceived at the time of the incident that I was speaking at a normal conversational level.”

“Have you anything else to add before you are taken down?” asked the Sheriff.

“As a matter of fact, I have. For the benefit of myself, and any other hearing aid users on the benches or in the public gallery, would you please remember to speak into your microphone. It’s currently pointing at the wall.”

Complaint letter


2 Responses to “Guilty, M’lud”

  1. 1 Rose Rodent (@RoseRodent) January 26, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    My experience of loop sytems in public places is that people think it’s a magical device which somehow implants a hearing fairy inside your brain when you activate the T switch. It is a piece of equipment which you are required to purchase which will then make you “DDA compliant” (there was never such a thing even before the act was superceded nearly 14 years ago!) and then your training encompasses the fact that it exists, it requires a T swtich (you don’t need to know what this is) and that it miraculously renders everyone no longer deaf. There is no need to swtich it on, activate it, speak into the microphone, know there is such a thing AS a microphone, isolate it from other sources of sound interference or not mount it on a security alarm which produces a brain-cleaving beep onto the T setting. Seriously, be careful where you walk with T activated!

    Better than all of these is that the one place I can pretty much guarantee that a loop will not just exist but will be activated is in any black cab. Where it’s just find provided that nobody is using the *ENGINE* because as soon as someone starts driving, the interference is louder than even the loudest of chatty cabbies.

    And they wonder why I want to bring my own direct input systems rather than use the wonderful loop. *sigh*

    • 2 moiradancer February 1, 2014 at 10:15 am

      My T switch is now pretty much consigned to being used as a quick ‘n dirty method of shutting off the hearing aid mics during noise emergencies, provided I’m not near any high tension power cables at the time 😦

      Oh god, chatty cabbies. The cookiebiter’s nightmare. Male voice. Conversation from back of head. Asks you questions. Stuff the useless loop, they just need to extend the taxi rear view mirror height to encompass not just the accusing eyes, but the mouth area as well…

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