When Santa could do with hearing aids…

creda cavalier cooker


Over Christmas, I was wondering when I first became aware of my propensity for mis-hearing things, when I suddenly remembered an early childhood incident. On that occasion, it was not my own hearing which was at fault, but that of the elderly Santa, upon whose knee I was excitedly perched, in a grotto in the middle of a Glasgow department store.

“So, little girl, what’s your name?” said Santa, before being seized by a sudden phlegmatic bout of coughing.

“Moira!” I replied with great enthusiasm. With three days to go until Christmas, I needed him to remember me.

“Eh?” said Santa, leaning a bit closer. His beard smelt of nylon and cigarettes.

After several repeats of my name, I was getting impatient, but eventually Santa seemed to have got the message.

“So, Moya, what would you like me to bring you for Christmas?”

I decided it was best not to antagonise Santa by correcting him on the name front.

“I’d like a scooter please Santa!”

“A cooker?” said Santa, a little incredulously. “That’s a very unusua…”

“No, not a cooker, a scooter! A red one!” I interrupted loudly.

I was getting slightly anxious now. I had to make Santa understand what I was asking for, since the last thing I wanted to wake up to on Christmas morning was a cooker. That special treat is reserved for when little girls are much older.

“A what?” said Santa, looking round to my mother for help. Unfortunately she had secretly vanished to the nearby shoe department and was busy eyeing up a purchase with four inch purple platform soles. Poor old Santa was on his own with my high pitched voice and confusing consonants. After several unsuccessful repeats, I was still in danger of getting a cooker, but this time a red one with wheels and a bell.

Finally, Santa looked at his watch, changed the subject and reached into his sack. I thought I was going to absolutely die with the suspense and did my best to suppress a little shiver of excitement. What was going to emerge from that sack? After another short bout of coughing brought on by the exertion, Santa handed me a very small parcel.

My heart sank. I was devastated. There was no way there was a scooter inside THAT.

“Thank you Santa”, I said politely, hoping that Santa’s elves might have overheard the earlier part of our discussion, and safely deliver me a red scooter with a bell on Christmas morning.


4 Responses to “When Santa could do with hearing aids…”

  1. 1 Jeannie Charles January 21, 2015 at 10:41 am

    I was in a meeting yesterday wondering if all the bother of getting a hearing aid was worth it because I still couldn’t hear half of what was being said. Then, eureka moment, I found that if I put my finger in my ear, thereby enclosing the hearing aid ear-piece, I could hear everything really clearly!! of course this was not sustainable as I couldn’t type with one hand (im the minutes secretary) and having your finger in your ear is not a good look unless you’re a folk singer.

    so – I now have another appointment at the audiology dept of the hospital to see If they can replicate the finger in ear system without actually using my finger. Blu-tac maybe?

    • 2 moiradancer January 22, 2015 at 7:10 pm

      Hi Jeannie, I’ve got open fit domes and often use this technique to get hearing superpowers when the upstairs neighbours are having an argument. It traps the lower frequency noises, which normally escape from an open fitting, in your ears. Downside with the finger method is, it amplifies background noises like fans, motors and engines to deafening levels, so if their dishwasher is on at the same time I’m stuffed with my eavesdropping activities 😉

      Hats off to you being a minutes secretary, hope the guys at the hospital find a way to let you return to typing with both hands! Let us know what they say, I’m intrigued…

  2. 3 Jeannie Charles February 10, 2015 at 2:04 pm

    I am now the proud wearer of ‘tulip domes’ The discussions at the meeting I attended this morning were at least audible. Success I think!

    • 4 moiradancer February 10, 2015 at 5:06 pm

      That’s great that the tulip domes are doing the trick Jeannie, thanks for updating. If it were possible to programme for an open fitting for speech in noise, and for a semi-closed fitting for music on the same aid, I’d be able to dispense with my rubber bungs for playing the piano.

      Anyone out there know if that’s possible?

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