Expletive deleted

subtitle swear word

Walking through the crowded shopping precinct on the way to work, I knew I was in trouble when I spotted a slightly deranged looking old man rushing towards me, waving his finger as if scolding an unknown entity.

“Excuse me! Excuse me!” he shouted.

I tried to pretend I hadn’t seen him, but as soon as he was close enough to start waving his finger in my face, I was forced to stop. My latest trial pair of multifocal lenses immediately zoomed in on a couple of large NHS hearing aids precariously attached to his head, and I was temporarily distracted by wondering what model he had.

“Excuse me,” he shouted, “where’s the fuckin’ television?”

That’s a bit strong for nine in the morning, even in Glasgow, I thought.

“Sorry, where’s the what? ” I enquired, hoping I had misheard, and wondering just how deranged he actually was.

“The fuckin’ television”, he repeated, “The fuckin’ television”. I tried to look blank as I worked out an escape plan, but the television man was persistent. He continued to repeat his question whilst I continued to look blank, but at least the accusatory finger waving had ceased.

All of a sudden, I picked up on an amplified slushy ‘SH’ sound at the end of fuckin’ television and the penny finally dropped in the cookiebite cortex.

“Ah…the television shop”, I said, relieved that he didn’t have an imaginary television which went everywhere with him. “Which one?”

“Which what?” said the man.

“Which television shop” I replied, “…you said you were looking for the television shop?” I left out the fuckin’ for the sake of propriety.

His response was indignant. Perhaps he thought there was something wrong with my ears.

“Ah tellt ye, Hen…Virgin…Ah’m lookin’ fur the Virgin television shop!”

In my defence, the lip shapes of a guttural Glaswegian pronunciation of Virgin (Vuurgin) and the expletive are rather similar…

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2 Responses to “Expletive deleted”


  1. 1 BadBunnyEars September 6, 2015 at 12:23 pm

    I think I’m very glad I’m not you audiologist.
    I don’t think they are going to have a happy customer in October.

    I’m getting there with my varifocals (less feeling sea sick, but reading area is too small, so I still take them off too much)

    • 2 moiradancer September 6, 2015 at 2:07 pm

      If they’re lucky, I might not actually make it to October. A fellow traveller helpfully plucked me to safety in Glasgow Central station last night, when they saw that the Scotrail Disabled Passenger Assistance Vehicle was about to mow me down from behind. I used to be able to hear its warning beeps quite clearly…perhaps it’s a conspiracy to prevent me coming back to Clinic O.

      Glad your sea sickness is abating. My latest trial multifocal prescription has now overshot the close and middle distance, and will only allow me to focus on things approx 2 miles away…


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