Wireless at last!

A flat iPhone battery and a last minute decision to update its software nearly derailed planetary alignment prior to attending Clinic O, but fortunately disaster was averted and I arrived safely in the waiting area at my appointed time. When my name was called, I trotted to the soundproof room with an air of great expectancy, and marvelled that this could not be in greater contrast to some of my earlier experiences. Once inside, I whipped off the Danalogics and eagerly assumed the position for otoscopic inspection.

“There’s a bit of wax in there, but I think we’re okay”, said the extremely helpful audiologist, “but it’s worth pointing out that your right eardrum looks a bit…er,…wet?”

I briefly considered that the recent exertions of work might be causing my brain to liquefy and leak out through an undetected perforation in my eardrum, before recognising the actual cause.

“Oh, I know what that is”, I pronounced with great authority, “it’ll be the almond oil. I’ve been ladling it in for the last two weeks. It’s everywhere.”

I had now qualified to proceed to the programming stage, and it was a great relief to discover that the original settings from the Danalogics could simply be copied across to the new aids. Blood, sweat and umpteen sound-induced frights in Glasgow Central station had gone into those precisely tailored settings, and the thought of starting anew was a little daunting.

I now turned my attention to getting a glimpse of the aids. In previous encounters, the emotional response to the sight of new aids has always been an initial gulp of silent horror followed by polite beige resignation, but this time, I nearly jumped out of my chair like an internet cat presented with a surprise cucumber.

Oh. My. God.

I shrieked at the sight of two tiny scarlet beans with programming wires attached, and couldn’t believe that these lacquered little beauties were mine. I even had to touch them to make sure they were real. If the NHS Danalogics were chipolatas, these ReSound UP Smart babies were a zingy dash of sauce. Whatever next! I peered closer and thought I’d died and gone to hearing aid heaven…the monstrous volume wheel was gone!  The sight of a hearing aid back panel with no unsightly protrusions induced a surprise pang of regret as I suddenly realised that my NHS hearing aid pimping days were over. Like so many of my other talents these days, my prowess with adhesive film was now redundant. Still, there was always the possibility that I could resume my pimping career in future, since the surprise invitation, back in April, to choose a colour, had come with the caveat that if one aid got lost or broken then I’d get a beige replacement.

But that didn’t matter right now. The seamlessly red Up Smart beans were placed weightlessly on my ears and I was asked not to make a noise while the programming bit with the loud noises was carried out. I suppressed the usual urge to suddenly make an involuntary noise when asked not to, then sat back and gloated at my great fortune while graphs came and went on the computer screen.

Then, came the moment of wireless hearing truth. I was switched on and the silence of the soundproof room finally presented itself to my ears through the new aids.

“How’s that?” asked the extremely helpful audiologist.

Oh no. I could hardly bring myself to say the words.

“I can hear a hiss…”

 

to be continued…

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4 Responses to “Wireless at last!”


  1. 1 LaVonne September 1, 2017 at 8:20 pm

    Anxiously awaiting the “to be continued”.

  2. 3 graham steele September 3, 2017 at 9:00 am

    almond oil? i use olive oil. is almond better? perhaps walnut would have a nuttier smell? have you experimented? graham

    • 4 moiradancer September 4, 2017 at 2:05 pm

      Hi Graham, haha, no I’ve not experimented, but the process has put me right off watching things being put in a confit bath on Masterchef! I chose almond oil so that my home made olive oil salad dressings don’t trigger any associations with the aftermath of my ear oiling exploits 🙂


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