Posts Tagged 'changing hearing aid batteries'

Things You’re Unlikely To See #4

According to this timely CNN article, there have been some mighty strange olympic events over the years. My personal favourite is ‘La Canne’, which was apparently a martial art featuring a walking stick, one which we actually still have on Glasgow public transport.

Well, if walking canes can be in there, so can hearing aids, and I have devised a brand new olympic event suitable for even couch potatoes like myself. Such is the flexibility of the Hearing Aid Maintenance event, that it will be equally at home in either the conventional Olympics or the Paralympics. I leave the final decision up to the IOC. To whet your appetite for the 2016 games, here is a small selection of some of the rules:

Hearing aid battery changing, under-70s individual event

Points awarded for speed, agility and ability to rejoin a conversation seamlessly after the battery change. Points deducted for: rejoining the conversation with the wrong topic, dropping the new battery, or failing to get the old one out without the use of a prodding device (Siemens models only). Instant disqualification for mixing up the old and new batteries and putting the old one back in by mistake.

Hearing aid battery changing, Hearing Professionals team event.

Similar rules apply, with additional deductions for failing to close the battery door fully before putting the hearing aid back on the patient. At the judges’ discretion, the latter deduction may be waived if the patient says “Ah, that’s much better now, I’m not getting all those strange noises I had before” and leaves without realising the aid is not switched on. Instant disqualification for writing the wrong battery size in the NHS Battery Book.

Hearing aid maintenance triathlon requirements: novices

Event 1: Cleaning Carefully wipe hearing aid according to instruction manual

Event 2: Hygiene Clean tubes and moulds/ domes regularly in recommended manner

Event 3: Storage Remove batteries, and tuck up in dry and store each night.

Hearing aid maintenance triathlon requirements: veterans

Event 1: Cleaning Quick wipe on a t-shirt whenever you get sweaty

Event 2: Hygiene Poke grotty bits of the tubing assembly when absolutely necessary, with whatever sharp object comes to hand

Event 3: Storage Open battery door at night by as little as you can get away with, to avoid having to re-insert the battery if it falls out by accident.

Siemens v Danalogic: The Pros and Cons

“Oh no…not again!” I exclaimed after going to investigate a high pitched squealing noise and a faint cry of “Help!” coming from the chest of drawers in the bedroom. When I got there, BatteryBot was holding a Danalogic i-FIT 71 with a half open battery door in one hand, and a battery in the other. The only problem was, his hands were no longer attached to his arms. They’d snapped off under the extreme force necessary to open the battery door, and BatteryBot wasn’t happy.

“I’ve broken another finger, I don’t know how they expect old people to get these open”, he said ruefully, as I screwed his hands back on and got him to run his self-testing circuitry protocol to check that everything was working again.

“Pleeeeeeeease can we keep the Chromas instead of these, when you have to give one pair back”, he said, tugging on my heartstrings with his bandaged finger. “The battery doors are much easier to get open.”

“It’s not quite as simple as that,” I said, gently. “I haven’t made my mind up yet, but the Danalogics sound better and they don’t make funny noises or go haywire in response to anything that beeps. They’re great for the piano too. They look marginally nicer and, Iet’s face it, I need all the help I can get in the looks department these days.”

I was still feeling slightly raw after seeing what looked like a shrunken head being interviewed in a student video last week. It had turned out to be me.

“But what about the hissing noise the Danalogics make,” cut in BatteryBot, “you said it was really annoying…and what about the fact they make the back of your ears sore because they grip on really tightly…and, and…”, he was trying to pull out all the stops now, “…and what about the ea-”

“Look.” I said firmly, “Don’t keep going on about the Easter Bunny. We can reshape his head to fit the Danalogics if I have to give the Chromas back to Clinic O. He won’t know any better, he’s only made of Plasticine…oh, sorry, I didn’t mean that the way it sounds”.

It was too late, the damage had been done.

“Well I’m only made out of a kitchen cupboard door latch and some bits the plumber left behind, I hope you don’t talk about me like that”, sobbed BatteryBot.

“Shhhhhhhh! You’re about to short circuit”, I said, noting once more the strange Sean Connery sound of my dental fricatives of late. I leant forward and whispered clandestinely into BatteryBot’s auditory sensors:

“Don’t mention the cupboard door latch on here again. People think you’re a real robot; If this gets out, we’re finished.”

The Future Of Hearing Aids?

The Kookybite Battery Bot was looking a bit dejected when I sent him out for some new batteries this morning, and I felt slightly guilty. I apologised once again for forgetting his first birthday yesterday, but he shook his head and said birthdays were of no interest to him because he was a robot.

After a bit of coaxing, I finally got him to tell me what was the matter. It turns out he’s been on the internet again  without safe search activated. Oh no. He’d stumbled across a proper hearing aid blog with factual information on it and had been shocked to the core after reading about the impending arrival of methanol powered hearing aids. You can imagine how he felt at the thought of being replaced by a ‘docking station recharger the size of a mobile phone’, full of methanol. “Try getting that through airport security”, I scoffed, wiping the tears from his eyes.

I cheerfully reassured Battery Bot that although many things in Glasgow are fuelled by methanol, NHS hearing aids were not likely to become one of them. Far too many smokers around for that.

A Right Earful

After a fraught day of the world conspiring against me yesterday, I was on full ranting madwoman mode when I got home from work. The spouse tried to silence me with a lovingly prepared dinner of braised chops and roast veg, but the silence only lasted for as long as it took me to chew everything. I even began speaking with my mouth full once I was on the last roast potato.

In order to prevent his ears from further damage, he switched the telly on to ‘Come Dine With Me’. This would normally be a surefire distraction, but when I briefly broke off from my continuing rant to ask why we were now looking at the Channel 4 News, he informed me that there was no point watching four people ranting over a dinner table on the telly when he could just listen to me instead. This only made me rant more.

Just as I was about to tell him that he would miss me when I’m dead, three beeps went off unexpectedly in the lughole and completely startled me.

“What is it now?” enquired the spouse, thinking I was having some kind of a seizure.

“There should have been another two days left in that battery,” I said, in further proof of my claim that the world was against me. The spouse remained unmoved by this amazing revelation, and seized the moment to turn his eyes towards the Channel 4 News.

He had to be stopped.

“….Er, what was I just saying there?” I asked, having lost my argumentative thread.

“I don’t know,” said the spouse, “but I’m enjoying the peace. I wish those batteries would run out a bit more often.”

Perfect Timing

Where was the Kookybite Battery Bot when I needed it? The lights went down in the crowded lecture theatre, the much looked forward to visiting speaker from Heidelberg took to the stage, and three beeps sounded in the lughole.

I recommend not using a leaking rollerball pen as a battery prodding device in the dark…

Kookybite Innovation #3

Ah, if only…


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