Tubetastic Turquoise

NHS Oticon Spirit Zests with a difference

The spouse found himself in a spot of hearing aid hot water when he decided to phone the hearing aid spares company on my behalf, to find out what had happened to my eagerly awaited delivery of pimping supplies. It was now two weeks late.

The conversation was going swimmingly until the person on the other end of the line decided to ask what had been ordered. The spouse, who was pretending to be me, for convoluted reasons to do with names on joint account bank cards, was somewhat thrown by this sudden demand on his hearing aid technical knowledge. Fortunately, he managed to dig deep into memories of three years of fraught tirades from his beloved.

“Er…tubes and domes…and a few other bits and bobs”, he spluttered, wondering if his cover as a hearing impaired impostor was about to be blown in a very embarrassing fashion.

“Bits and bobs?”, said the person on the other end of the line as they accessed the order details. The spouse began sweating, since it seemed his deception was about to be uncovered. He had reached the limits of his hearing aid know-how. Fortunately, help was at hand from his inquisitor, who filled in the missing details for him with a breezy “Ah yes, seems we’ve got an expander tool and some antiseptic wipes on here as well.”

“Expander tool?”, repeated the spouse with trepidation, wondering what was going to be expanded and wishing he’d never picked up the phone. Fortunately his torment was over.

“The Super Seals expander tool has been out of stock until this week,” said the person on the other end apologetically, “but your order will be despatched tomorrow.”

True to their word, it was indeed despatched the next day and, after some excited thread wrapping, I now have several interchangeable sets of coloured tubes to match my necklaces. Even better, the tubes still have their retention tails on them, and there has been a marked increase in volume as a result, since the domes now sit further inside my ears.

Despite the successful outcome of his phone interventions, the spouse has now handed in his resignation as my PA.

Tubetastic: Coloured tubes for your NHS aids

My continuing quest to find ways of turning beige NHS hearing aids into colourful objects of delight, which can be speedily converted back to boring beige for attending audiology appointments, has resulted in this perky pair of pink tubes.

They’re customised by simply winding sewing thread tightly round the tubes. Fiddly, yes. Totally unhygienic, yes. Costly when you accidentally snip the tube with your scissors because you didn’t put your glasses on, yes. But, hey, they look a bit nicer than a yellowing piece of pvc, and if you like to ring the changes you can have different colours any time you like.

Do be careful with the scissors, though, those tubes are much softer than they appear…

Hat Couture

It was the end of term Christmas Quiz party yesterday and BatteryBot had made me this charming pair of hearing aid Santa hats, to get me in a suitably festive mood for the occasion.

I must say they came in very useful when it came to the Christmas Wrapping Round, where the challenge was to wrap a willing team member with whatever materials were to hand. My colleagues enthusiastically swathed me in a dusty old sheet and some cellophane, and topped it off with a big feather plume stuck down my cleavage. The finishing touch involved wrapping my head with a large sheet of gold tissue paper, a process which took some time without the assistance of sticky tape, and proved to be very noisy despite the sound baffling qualities of my Santa hats.

As I waddled precariously to the stage looking like a post-Apocalypse version of the Statue of Liberty, I was told I looked uncharacteristically glamorous…

Pocket Rockets

Last week’s field trip to a remote lochside youth hostel with the students came with an invitation to a Space themed party in the evening. As I considered my wilderness fancy dress options, I realised that packing a suitable costume into my already overstuffed rucksack was going to be tricky. Disappointingly, it looked like the scene-stealing silver spandex all-in-one body stocking was off.

After much deliberation, I settled for something slightly more compact and befitting of my age and status: a pair of silver spandex hearing aid rocket costumes. Not only could they be carried in my pocket, they came with the added bonus of knowing that no one else at the party could possibly come in an identical outfit.

Admiring comments on the night ranged from “Hey – I think your hair’s on fire!” to “Why have you got flames coming out of your ears?” In contrast, the weary hikers who had the misfortune of sharing the youth hostel with us that night, were simply speechless…

Can an NHS hearing aid ever be cute?

Yes…but  only if it’s inside this incredibly cute mouse hearing aid case, made by yours truly to protect the Siemens chroma S when it gets accidentally swiped off the top of the piano while the headphones are on. The insertion method does feel rather like giving a mouse a suppository, but we’ll gloss over that bit.

In the unlikely event that you should want to make your own, you can find the pattern it was adapted from here via Meg Benhase and Mostlyphotos. The head is stuffed with kapok and the body cavity is stiffened with funky foam.

Ear Candy

Inspired by Clara’s crusade to banish the beige, I spent a nice Saturday making these lacquered paper and foil slip-on hearing aid covers. Although they were spared from the latest leak from the upstairs neighbours’ shower yesterday, it alerted me to the fact that plastic might be slightly more practical in a wet climate. Another design flaw emerged when I tried them on. They may look quite pretty in a photo, but they’re completely invisible behind my giant left lug, which seems to be rapidly assuming old man proportions.

Worse still, I’ve got a bit of explaining to do when the spouse discovers that his beautiful and expensive hand printed Japanese paper collection is full of tiny hearing aid shaped holes…

Kookybite Innovation #4

When John the helpful audiologist laid my Siemens Reflex L to rest and tried out a Chroma S instead, I was delighted when a silver blob emerged from the box instead of a beige one. Having ascertained that the Chroma S was going to be the answer to all my problems, he then disappeared off to the mysterious NHS hearing aid cupboard, saying “Now that we know it works, I’ll get you a beige one”. My silent “Noooooooooo!” echoed down the corridor, and I deduced that the dispensing guidelines must be silver for the boys and beige for the girls.

Clara (see comments) is working tirelessly on behalf of the gals to transform her beige ear gear into a riot of colour, but just in case something goes wrong with her pioneering techniques, these stickers with attitude could come in handy.

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend

Diamonds: almost as expensive as hearing aids…

At my visit to clinic O last week, I was successfully redomed and retubed, and given enough batteries to keep me at bay for at least a year.

On my return home, now that audiologist eyes were safely out of the way for a while, I decided it was time to add a bit of glamour to the Chroma S with some diamanté bling from the art shop. Mindful of being sued by the NHS for wilful damage to their property, I identified suitably safe spots for my self-adhesive jewels to go. I fancied an eyecatching row of diamanté along the top, but once I had taken into account the programming socket, battery flap, programme button and microphone which all needed to be kept clear, I was left with a 3mm square area on the side to decorate. Never mind, I thought, that’s perfect for a single sparkly diamond. Tastefully restrained against the beige, too.

Unfortunately, it would appear that the NHS is one step ahead of self-adhesive saboteurs like me, because it’s a right pain getting anything to adhere to the mysterious non-stick coating. I managed it in the end, though.